Wednesday, December 28th, 2011
I’ve always said counseling works best if it’s “goal directed”. The degree to which we work on our goals in between the sessions is the degree to which counseling is successful. So if clients do nothing from the time they leave one session and the time they come back to another session nothing changes. If we want things to change in our life we have to set goals. At the time of this posting we are approaching another new year but that is not the only time to set a new goal. Every day is a good day for a new goal.
Most of us resist change even if we don’t like to admit it. Sometimes we are comfortable with the way things are even if they are painful, because the fear of changing things is even more intimidating than change. Some of the reason we resist change are:
• Fear of failure that is rooted in past hurt or soul wounds
• Fear of the unknown
• Not feeling worthy of success or happiness perhaps because of negative messages we came to believe in childhood.
Some guidelines to help you in achieving your goals include:
• Create specific goals rather than global goals. (an example of a global goal is “I want to be a better person”)
• Write out the goals and read them regularly.
• Formulate a series of steps to achieve your goals. (Step 1, step 2, step 3, etc.)
• Anticipate problems and roadblocks by developing contingency plans.
• Find a way to measure your progress.
• Make your goals know to a friend and ask them to hold you accountable.
As we approach a new year remember to set systematic goals rather than global resolutions. Why wait for the New Year, start today!
Thursday, February 10th, 2011
When I was a young adult I chose to go to college. I chose to get married. I chose to get a job. I chose to have 2 children and to the degree to which I and my wife could control that choice not to have more. I chose to pay my bills no matter how long it took. I chose not to borrow more than I could pay back. I chose to live in a mobile home for 18 years rather than borrow money for a house bigger than my budget. I chose to be directed by eternal absolutes bigger and more far reaching than the time and culture I lived in. I chose to be a follower of Jesus Christ. Those are just some of my choices.
All of my choices have not been right. All of my choices have not been pure. The choices I have listed above I am proud of even though I have only partially succeeded in actually following through with them. But the point is I chose. And I will forever be grateful that I chose to work.
It seems to me that a large part of American society in the last 20 years just chooses not to choose. They just kind of set around and “veg out”. That seems to be their calling and vocation. Why has that happened? Well there is no doubt in my mind that much of it comes from the fact that they have had enabling parents. Enabled children don’t make important and necessary choices in life because someone enables them to opt out. Another source of enablement is the proliferation of entitlement programs which bail us out. Please don’t misunderstand me, entitlements are proof of a compassionate nation to those who are disabled and cannot work. But we have so expanded what it means to be disabled today as to truncate the self-fulfillment that many could have in spite of not having perfect physical or emotional health. It has become, in my opinion too easy to choose to say “I’m disabled because I’m bi-polar”, or “I have anxiety”, or “I’m overweight”, or you name it. It will be a blessing in disguise, I’m sure, when the government’s coffers at last run dry and we no longer seek to finance dependency.
For most people making simple choices will have a positive outcome. For instance, working, rather than opting out for living off your parents or entitlements, will be therapeutic and character building. Many times an individual’s lack of fulfillment is best explained by the choices they didn’t make.
If you’re at the beginning of your adult life remember the first step in identity formation is to choose.
-Continuity of purpose is one of the most essential ingredients of happiness in the long run, and for most men this comes chiefly through their work. – Bertrand Russell
Monday, January 11th, 2010
I’m sure we all agree that life can throw us some curve balls. Have you ever wondered why some people seem to be able to cope better with the hardships of life than others? Those who work in the field of chronic mood and anxiety disorders are telling us that often the degree to which we will be tough enough to cope with life may depend upon the degree to which our emotional needs were met in early childhood.
In his excellent book, “Breaking Through Depression”, Donald Hall suggests that core emotional needs of a child are feeling safe, believing in oneself as a good person, and having a sense of power to change the world. If these core emotional needs are not met in childhood the adult world can seem persistently fearful or hopeless when the child grows into adulthood. Over the years I have found Dr. Hall’s premise to be true time after time, as I’ve counseled those with mood and anxiety disorders. Often there is abuse, abandonment, criticism and deprivation in the childhood of those who are fearful and depressed. Often the level of dysfunction in mom and dad’s life was so great that there was nothing to fill the love tank of the child. If children are not encouraged and convinced of their own adequacy it’s going to be an uphill pull in life to feel tough enough to cope with the stressors that come to all of us.
Now, having said that, it’s important as Christian parents that we do our kids a favor and teach them that they don’t have to do it all alone. Our kids should know verses like, “I will never leave you or forsake you” and “Cast your burdens upon me, because my yoke is easy and my burden is light” and “Greater is He who is in you than He who is in the world”. A healthy spiritual dependency upon the God of the Bible is a key factor in helping our kids feeling safe enough, good enough, and powerful enough. How about spending some time with your kids sharing these truths today?
“Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them.” Lady Bird Johnson, former U.S. First Lady
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
It’s common for marriage relationships to become distant and cold because one partner indicates they don’t feel love for the other partner anymore. They may also say they feel numb or don’t feeling anything at all. It is also common for partners to reach a point in their lives where they become bored with the status quo of the relationship and ask: ‘is this all there is’? These are dangerous junctures in our relationships. During times like these many individuals will decide to do something, they decide to take action. Often that action may lead them in the wrong direction if they are directed by their feelings. The submission of the will to the feelings ultimately enhances the danger of divorce or an affair.
God’s word indicates the will should be in bondage to His will, not what we think, feel or do. Specifically, His will is made known to us in the Scripture, therefore, our will must submit obediently to the Word of God. Several options may appeal but only one is reliable.
The will being obedient to the mind is not the appropriate course of action.
The will being obedient to the feelings is not the appropriate course of action.
The will being obedient to our impulses is not the appropriate course of action.
Rather it is will being obedient to the Word of God that renders the appropriate course of action.
Notice Romans 6:6-18 “Do you not know that if you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of that one you obey — either of sin leading to death or of obedience leading to righteousness? 17 But thank God that, although you used to be slaves of sin, you obeyed from the heart that pattern of teaching you were entrusted to, 18 and having been liberated from sin, you became enslaved to righteousness.”
This passage talks about obedience and the will. Actually, it might be translated “presenting ourselves to someone as slaves for obedience.” Here no one is forcing us into obedience, it is a matter of will and a conscious choice. Many today base their choices upon feelings or circumstances. We live in a day when society values most choices equally. It is hard to find a right or wrong in many circles. Relativism abounds and its proponents proclaim we need to learn to be comfortable with each other’s differences. Therefore, it is argued, we must not impose our value system upon someone else. The thinking is that just because it is right for someone else doesn’t mean it’s right for me. “I must follow my thoughts and feelings” people say today. Of course, even from a secular critique this theory carried to its extreme would wreak havoc and chaos on society and that society would eventually disintegrate. But more importantly we must ask does surrendering our will to our feelings withstand the scrutiny of God’s Word? Absolutely not! We do not have the right to do whatever we will or want. If God gives a command or takes a position in regard to human existence our will should be in bondage to obedience to that perfect Word of God. If God gives a command:
1. It does not matter how I FEEL about it.
2. It does not matter what I THINK about it.
What does matter is that I act upon God’s command and do it. In order to do what God says my mind must become a surrendered slave or bondservant to the concept of obeying God’s commands. A little bumper sticker years ago said, “God said it, I believe it, and that settles it”. That is not accurate. God said it and that settles it whether I believe it or not. So many times when God says to do something we set around and think-do I believe this? We ask ourselves, what will happen to my life if I do this? But regardless of what we think, our will should be in bondage to what God thinks. The scriptures admonish, “Let God be true and every man a liar”. (Rom. 3:4) So God’s position is correct no matter what we think or how we feel. Romans 12:2 tells us not to be conformed to this world but to have our minds transformed. It might be true that our mind is not changed in a moment of time, but our mind will change if we make it available to God by reading and submitting to His Word on a consistent basis. This is a process initiated by a punctilliar decision to do something about our lives. That is, by our will we decide to present our minds to God to know and prove in our behavior His perfect will. There really is validity in the old say, “I just made up my mind to do it and I did it”! It starts with a decision, a decision to start obeying God’s word for the rest of your life. Notice Phil 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Paul points out that action is driven by thinking. We first think right and then we begin to put into practice the things we things we are thinking about. Hence, if God says He hates divorce and instructs husbands and wives to live together until death separates them the first step is to think that way. The second step is to act that way, and the third step is to know that at some point in time you will begin to feel that way. Your feelings will likely reverse, correct and come back or improve depending on your specific situation. If you consistently walk in the will of God and are obedient to His word your feeling will return. Feelings come out of action. Action must be consistent, long term and habituated. You will then be able to say, “I have DONE what I THINK God wanted me to do and now I FEEL good about it”. Remember being willing to change isn’t worth anything unless the decision is following by actions that result in compliance to God’s word.
One final word relating to the sinful environment we live in. If you will to think right, act right, and feel right you are still not guaranteed the perfect marriage relationship. For these steps won’t necessarily change your partner or the sinful world we live in. However, you are guaranteed the process will bring you personal victory. You will be an overcomer!