Monday, January 11th, 2010
I’m sure we all agree that life can throw us some curve balls. Have you ever wondered why some people seem to be able to cope better with the hardships of life than others? Those who work in the field of chronic mood and anxiety disorders are telling us that often the degree to which we will be tough enough to cope with life may depend upon the degree to which our emotional needs were met in early childhood.
In his excellent book, “Breaking Through Depression”, Donald Hall suggests that core emotional needs of a child are feeling safe, believing in oneself as a good person, and having a sense of power to change the world. If these core emotional needs are not met in childhood the adult world can seem persistently fearful or hopeless when the child grows into adulthood. Over the years I have found Dr. Hall’s premise to be true time after time, as I’ve counseled those with mood and anxiety disorders. Often there is abuse, abandonment, criticism and deprivation in the childhood of those who are fearful and depressed. Often the level of dysfunction in mom and dad’s life was so great that there was nothing to fill the love tank of the child. If children are not encouraged and convinced of their own adequacy it’s going to be an uphill pull in life to feel tough enough to cope with the stressors that come to all of us.
Now, having said that, it’s important as Christian parents that we do our kids a favor and teach them that they don’t have to do it all alone. Our kids should know verses like, “I will never leave you or forsake you” and “Cast your burdens upon me, because my yoke is easy and my burden is light” and “Greater is He who is in you than He who is in the world”. A healthy spiritual dependency upon the God of the Bible is a key factor in helping our kids feeling safe enough, good enough, and powerful enough. How about spending some time with your kids sharing these truths today?
“Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them.” Lady Bird Johnson, former U.S. First Lady
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
It’s common for marriage relationships to become distant and cold because one partner indicates they don’t feel love for the other partner anymore. They may also say they feel numb or don’t feeling anything at all. It is also common for partners to reach a point in their lives where they become bored with the status quo of the relationship and ask: ‘is this all there is’? These are dangerous junctures in our relationships. During times like these many individuals will decide to do something, they decide to take action. Often that action may lead them in the wrong direction if they are directed by their feelings. The submission of the will to the feelings ultimately enhances the danger of divorce or an affair.
God’s word indicates the will should be in bondage to His will, not what we think, feel or do. Specifically, His will is made known to us in the Scripture, therefore, our will must submit obediently to the Word of God. Several options may appeal but only one is reliable.
The will being obedient to the mind is not the appropriate course of action.
The will being obedient to the feelings is not the appropriate course of action.
The will being obedient to our impulses is not the appropriate course of action.
Rather it is will being obedient to the Word of God that renders the appropriate course of action.
Notice Romans 6:6-18 “Do you not know that if you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of that one you obey — either of sin leading to death or of obedience leading to righteousness? 17 But thank God that, although you used to be slaves of sin, you obeyed from the heart that pattern of teaching you were entrusted to, 18 and having been liberated from sin, you became enslaved to righteousness.”
This passage talks about obedience and the will. Actually, it might be translated “presenting ourselves to someone as slaves for obedience.” Here no one is forcing us into obedience, it is a matter of will and a conscious choice. Many today base their choices upon feelings or circumstances. We live in a day when society values most choices equally. It is hard to find a right or wrong in many circles. Relativism abounds and its proponents proclaim we need to learn to be comfortable with each other’s differences. Therefore, it is argued, we must not impose our value system upon someone else. The thinking is that just because it is right for someone else doesn’t mean it’s right for me. “I must follow my thoughts and feelings” people say today. Of course, even from a secular critique this theory carried to its extreme would wreak havoc and chaos on society and that society would eventually disintegrate. But more importantly we must ask does surrendering our will to our feelings withstand the scrutiny of God’s Word? Absolutely not! We do not have the right to do whatever we will or want. If God gives a command or takes a position in regard to human existence our will should be in bondage to obedience to that perfect Word of God. If God gives a command:
1. It does not matter how I FEEL about it.
2. It does not matter what I THINK about it.
What does matter is that I act upon God’s command and do it. In order to do what God says my mind must become a surrendered slave or bondservant to the concept of obeying God’s commands. A little bumper sticker years ago said, “God said it, I believe it, and that settles it”. That is not accurate. God said it and that settles it whether I believe it or not. So many times when God says to do something we set around and think-do I believe this? We ask ourselves, what will happen to my life if I do this? But regardless of what we think, our will should be in bondage to what God thinks. The scriptures admonish, “Let God be true and every man a liar”. (Rom. 3:4) So God’s position is correct no matter what we think or how we feel. Romans 12:2 tells us not to be conformed to this world but to have our minds transformed. It might be true that our mind is not changed in a moment of time, but our mind will change if we make it available to God by reading and submitting to His Word on a consistent basis. This is a process initiated by a punctilliar decision to do something about our lives. That is, by our will we decide to present our minds to God to know and prove in our behavior His perfect will. There really is validity in the old say, “I just made up my mind to do it and I did it”! It starts with a decision, a decision to start obeying God’s word for the rest of your life. Notice Phil 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Paul points out that action is driven by thinking. We first think right and then we begin to put into practice the things we things we are thinking about. Hence, if God says He hates divorce and instructs husbands and wives to live together until death separates them the first step is to think that way. The second step is to act that way, and the third step is to know that at some point in time you will begin to feel that way. Your feelings will likely reverse, correct and come back or improve depending on your specific situation. If you consistently walk in the will of God and are obedient to His word your feeling will return. Feelings come out of action. Action must be consistent, long term and habituated. You will then be able to say, “I have DONE what I THINK God wanted me to do and now I FEEL good about it”. Remember being willing to change isn’t worth anything unless the decision is following by actions that result in compliance to God’s word.
One final word relating to the sinful environment we live in. If you will to think right, act right, and feel right you are still not guaranteed the perfect marriage relationship. For these steps won’t necessarily change your partner or the sinful world we live in. However, you are guaranteed the process will bring you personal victory. You will be an overcomer!
Thursday, March 5th, 2009
Do you ever struggle with leaving your faith at home, forgetting to let the Lord have charge of your decisions, responses and behaviors for the day ahead? It’s easy to get frustrated or angry and “blow our stacks” as well as our Christian witness before we know it. If you’ve done this, just know you’re not the first Christian who has. However, it does point out the important need for us to be able to remember proper responses in difficult moments. Even those working in the secular field see the need to have something to remind us of our “best intentions”.
McKay and Rogers in their “Anger Control Workbook” suggest that we need a tangible reminder like a new ring or a dedicated piece of jewelry to help us remember our coping mechanisms when we get angry. For instance, you might try wearing your watch on the opposite wrist on a particular day that you have to deal with a person whom you find difficult. The watch is there to remind you: be careful, go slow, watch what you say. I’ve decided to call these “Behavioral Reminders”. Now let me hasten to say that I personally believe a daily and persistent saturation in the word of God will help us remember the importance of Godly responses more than anything. Nothing substitutes for the renewing of our minds as we study the word of God.
Heb 4:12 For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
Nevertheless, I also found that McKay and Rogers might be closer to a scriptural principle that I realized. This year in reading through the scripture I came across a passage which I have read many times before but seem to speak to me like never before. Look at this passage with me.
Num 15:37-41 The LORD said to Moses, 38 “Speak to the Israelites and tell them that throughout their generations they are to make tassels for the corners of their garments, and put a blue cord on the tassel at each corner. 39 These will serve as tassels for you to look at, so that you may remember all the LORD’s commands and obey them and not become unfaithful by following your own heart and your own eyes. 40 This way you will remember and obey all My commands and be holy to your God. 41 I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt to be your God; I am the LORD your God.” (HCSB)
In conclusion, it is important to remember we cannot avoid all anger, nor should we try. God doesn’t tell us not to get angry, rather He tells us not to sin when we are angry. So if you struggle with sinful anger it might be helpful try a “behavioral reminder” especially when you know your going into a tense or potentially explosive situation.
“Anyone can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy.”-Aristotle
Monday, September 8th, 2008
Counselors are consistently trained throughout their course work and then in their internships to empathize with the client. Indeed, it is essential for a counselor to develop this skill if he or she desires to connect with the client at a therapeutic level. But empathy is not limited just to those who are counselors. The truth is we all need to be able to empathize because all of us are going to be offended at one time or another. We will need to empathize in order to forgive the offender.
Most of us understand empathy as being able to emotionally connect or “feel with” another person. However, we need to be sure we don’t settle for too small a dose of empathy. A very slight amount of empathy may come up short when we are called upon to forgive a deep hurt. This begs the question, “Is empathy something you get all at once? Can empathy be divided?” In reality, empathy can be experienced at different levels or stages and those levels are contingent upon several factors. Sometimes when we understand how another person feels we declare “mission accomplished”. However empathy is something that can grow over time. Time, information, insight, and context can allow us to increase in empathy.
It seems to me that the depth of empathy may also have a cognitive, emotional, and behavioral component. We may experience empathy at the level of understanding, that is cognitively, but can we go on to feel with the other person, that is, to share the emotions? If we can indeed feel with an individual, rather than simply understand where he is coming from, we have achieved emotional empathy. Then if we can go deeply enough into empathy that we recall an experience that allows us to relate to the other person on a similar fashion we may actually experience compassion in empathy. This is empathy at a behavioral level which reminds us of a similar experience. We don’t have to experience an identical experience, just one that is similar in intensity. If we are trying to empathize with someone who has sinned, broken the law or misbehaved we do not, at this point, condone a misbehavior but we can feel compassion for the sinner because we too have sinned. Thoughts, emotions, behaviors are all called into play in the experience of empathy.
Empathy can also be affected by the degree to we which relate in time. Older adults can empathize with younger adults. As younger adults age they find themselves being able to empathize and thus forgive the older adult with whom they were totally unable to relate to at an earlier stage of life.