Post Divorce Challenges For Kids
Following the divorce of their parents children often find themselves facing two primary challenges. How children successfully navigate through these challenges will determine the degree of adjustment accomplished after the divorce.
One factor that appears to significantly affect children’s adjustment is the exposure to parental arguments. When parents fight in front of the kids, no matter what age, a child may think that he or she is to blame for the divorce. Adults usually know it’s more complicated than that but kids often think they are the cause of the conflict. When and if children hear their names brought up in the argument they often misinterpret this to mean they are at fault. It is important that adults argue out of the earshot of their children. It’s also important that adults tell their children the divorce is a result of the parent’s inability to resolve their problems. The divorce was not cause by the actions of the children.
The second factor to children’s post-divorce adjustment is hearing their parents say bad things about each other. A corollary to this is saying bad things about the other spouse to the children. “Badmouthing” the other spouse tends to make a child feel like he or she must take sides. This places the child under tremendous psychological stress that often results in anger and feelings of guilt. Placing the child in the middle and using them as a go between must be avoided for the same reasons, therefore, adults need to remember to address their issues with one another.
If children have questions about the other parent, the parent should avoid the opportunity to demonize their spouse. They should instead, encourage the child to ask the other parent themselves. For example, the question, “Why doesn’t dad call me or come to see me?” becomes an opportunity to keep lines of communication open between the parent and child.
“Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.” Richard L. Evans