I’m sure we all agree that life can throw us some curve balls. Have you ever wondered why some people seem to be able to cope better with the hardships of life than others?  Those who work in the field of chronic mood and anxiety disorders are telling us that often the degree to which we will be tough enough to cope with life may depend upon the degree to which our emotional needs were met in early childhood. 

In his excellent book, “Breaking Through Depression”, Donald Hall suggests that core emotional needs of a child are feeling safe, believing in oneself as a good person, and having a sense of power to change the world.  If these core emotional needs are not met in childhood the adult world can seem persistently fearful or hopeless when the child grows into adulthood.  Over the years I have found Dr. Hall’s premise to be true time after time, as I’ve counseled those with mood and anxiety disorders. Often there is abuse, abandonment, criticism and deprivation in the childhood of those who are fearful and depressed.  Often the level of dysfunction in mom and dad’s life was so great that there was nothing to fill the love tank of the child.   If children are not encouraged and convinced of their own adequacy it’s going to be an uphill pull in life to feel tough enough to cope with the stressors that come to all of us. 

Now, having said that, it’s important as Christian parents that we do our kids a favor and teach them that they don’t have to do it all alone.  Our kids should know verses like, “I will never leave you or forsake you” and “Cast your burdens upon me, because my yoke is easy and my burden is light” and “Greater is He who is in you than He who is in the world”.  A healthy spiritual dependency upon the God of the Bible is a key factor in helping our kids feeling safe enough, good enough, and powerful enough. How about spending some time with your kids sharing these truths today?
“Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them.” Lady Bird Johnson, former U.S. First Lady

God’s word indicates the will should be in bondage to His will, not what we think, feel or do.  Specifically, His will is made known to us in the Scripture, therefore, our will must submit obediently to the Word of God.  Several options may appeal but only one is reliable.

The will being obedient to the mind is not the appropriate course of action.
The will being obedient to the feelings is not the appropriate course of action.
The will being obedient to our impulses is not the appropriate course of action.
Rather it is will being obedient to the Word of God that renders the appropriate course of action.

Notice Romans 6:6-18 “Do you not know that if you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of that one you obey — either of sin leading to death or of obedience leading to righteousness? 17 But thank God that, although you used to be slaves of sin, you obeyed from the heart that pattern of teaching you were entrusted to, 18 and having been liberated from sin, you became enslaved to righteousness.”

This passage talks about obedience and the will.  Actually, it might be translated “presenting ourselves to someone as slaves for obedience.” Here no one is forcing us into obedience, it is a matter of will and a conscious choice.  Many today base their choices upon feelings or circumstances.  We live in a day when society values most choices equally.  It is hard to find a right or wrong in many circles.  Relativism abounds and its proponents proclaim we need to learn to be comfortable with each other’s differences.  Therefore, it is argued, we must not impose our value system upon someone else.  The thinking is that just because it is right for someone else doesn’t mean it’s right for me.  “I must follow my thoughts and feelings” people say today.  Of course, even from a secular critique this theory carried to its extreme would wreak havoc and chaos on society and that society would eventually disintegrate.  But more importantly we must ask does surrendering our will to our feelings withstand the scrutiny of God’s Word?  Absolutely not!  We do not have the right to do whatever we will or want.  If God gives a command or takes a position in regard to human existence our will should be in bondage to obedience to that perfect Word of God.  If God gives a command:
1. It does not matter how I FEEL about it.
2. It does not matter what I THINK about it.
What does matter is that I act upon God’s command and do it.  In order to do what God says my mind must become a surrendered slave or bondservant to the concept of obeying God’s commands.  A little bumper sticker years ago said, “God said it, I believe it, and that settles it”.  That is not accurate.  God said it and that settles it whether I believe it or not.  So many times when God says to do something we set around and think-do I believe this?  We ask ourselves, what will happen to my life if I do this?  But regardless of what we think, our will should be in bondage to what God thinks.  The scriptures admonish, “Let God be true and every man a liar”.  (Rom. 3:4)  So God’s position is correct no matter what we think or how we feel.  Romans 12:2 tells us not to be conformed to this world but to have our minds transformed.  It might be true that our mind is not changed in a moment of time, but our mind will change if we make it available to God by reading and submitting to His Word on a consistent basis.  This is a process initiated by a punctilliar decision to do something about our lives.  That is, by our will we decide to present our minds to God to know and prove in our behavior His perfect will.  There really is validity in the old say, “I just made up my mind to do it and I did it”!  It starts with a decision, a decision to start obeying God’s word for the rest of your life.  Notice Phil 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Paul points out that action is driven by thinking.  We first think right and then we begin to put into practice the things we things we are thinking about.  Hence, if God says He hates divorce and instructs husbands and wives to live together until death separates them the first step is to think that way.  The second step is to act that way, and the third step is to know that at some point in time you will begin to feel that way.  Your feelings will likely reverse, correct and come back or improve depending on your specific situation.  If you consistently walk in the will of God and are obedient to His word your feeling will return.  Feelings come out of action.  Action must be consistent, long term and habituated.  You will then be able to say, “I have DONE what I THINK God wanted me to do and now I FEEL good about it”.  Remember being willing to change isn’t worth anything unless the decision is following by actions that result in compliance to God’s word. 
One final word relating to the sinful environment we live in.  If you will to think right, act right, and feel right you are still not guaranteed the perfect marriage relationship.  For these steps won’t necessarily change your partner or the sinful world we live in.  However, you are guaranteed the process will bring you personal victory.  You will be an overcomer!

McKay and Rogers in their “Anger Control Workbook” suggest that we need a tangible reminder like a new ring or a dedicated piece of jewelry to help us remember our coping mechanisms when we get angry. For instance, you might try wearing your watch on the opposite wrist on a particular day that you have to deal with a person whom you find difficult. The watch is there to remind you: be careful, go slow, watch what you say. I’ve decided to call these “Behavioral Reminders”. Now let me hasten to say that I personally believe a daily and persistent saturation in the word of God will help us remember the importance of Godly responses more than anything. Nothing substitutes for the renewing of our minds as we study the word of God.

Heb 4:12 For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Nevertheless, I also found that McKay and Rogers might be closer to a scriptural principle that I realized. This year in reading through the scripture I came across a passage which I have read many times before but seem to speak to me like never before. Look at this passage with me.

Num 15:37-41 The LORD said to Moses, 38 “Speak to the Israelites and tell them that throughout their generations they are to make tassels for the corners of their garments, and put a blue cord on the tassel at each corner. 39 These will serve as tassels for you to look at, so that you may remember all the LORD’s commands and obey them and not become unfaithful by following your own heart and your own eyes. 40 This way you will remember and obey all My commands and be holy to your God. 41 I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt to be your God; I am the LORD your God.” (HCSB)

In conclusion, it is important to remember we cannot avoid all anger, nor should we try. God doesn’t tell us not to get angry, rather He tells us not to sin when we are angry. So if you struggle with sinful anger it might be helpful try a “behavioral reminder” especially when you know your going into a tense or potentially explosive situation.

“Anyone can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy.”-Aristotle

Most of us understand empathy as being able to emotionally connect or “feel with” another person. However, we need to be sure we don’t settle for too small a dose of empathy. A very slight amount of empathy may come up short when we are called upon to forgive a deep hurt. This begs the question, “Is empathy something you get all at once? Can empathy be divided?” In reality, empathy can be experienced at different levels or stages and those levels are contingent upon several factors. Sometimes when we understand how another person feels we declare “mission accomplished”. However empathy is something that can grow over time. Time, information, insight, and context can allow us to increase in empathy.

It seems to me that the depth of empathy may also have a cognitive, emotional, and behavioral component. We may experience empathy at the level of understanding, that is cognitively, but can we go on to feel with the other person, that is, to share the emotions? If we can indeed feel with an individual, rather than simply understand where he is coming from, we have achieved emotional empathy. Then if we can go deeply enough into empathy that we recall an experience that allows us to relate to the other person on a similar fashion we may actually experience compassion in empathy. This is empathy at a behavioral level which reminds us of a similar experience. We don’t have to experience an identical experience, just one that is similar in intensity. If we are trying to empathize with someone who has sinned, broken the law or misbehaved we do not, at this point, condone a misbehavior but we can feel compassion for the sinner because we too have sinned. Thoughts, emotions, behaviors are all called into play in the experience of empathy.

Empathy can also be affected by the degree to we which relate in time. Older adults can empathize with younger adults. As younger adults age they find themselves being able to empathize and thus forgive the older adult with whom they were totally unable to relate to at an earlier stage of life.

In reality, saying goodbye to her was a painful process that began several years ago when we were informed that she had developed memory problems later diagnosed as Alzheimer’s disease. Personally, I first noticed it in phone calls and at family reunions and funeral visitations when her memory began fading. Then finally I was called in to help find a residential placement for her and to relocate her close to me. Over a year ago we placed her in an Alzheimer’s unit staffed by loving people who assisted her around the clock. She passed away earlier this month while she was probably in what would be diagnosed as stage 5 of Reisbergs’ seven stage system. In the end it was cancer and not advanced Alzheimer’s that claimed her life but caring for her afforded my wife and I, as well as her brother and his wife, a personal experience with this disease. As a counselor I have assisted family members who have had loved ones with Alzheimer’s but up until this time my experience has been theoretical rather than experiential. Dealing with the gradual decline is indeed a painful experience. To say that it gives you a greater appreciation for those dealing with Alzheimer’s is an understatement. While I hope you never have to encounter this dread disease personally why not check out the symptoms, treatment and latest research at www.alz.org just in case.

The problem today is that science, in its naturalistic approach, says we cannot find truth in that which is supernatural. Methodological naturalism doesn’t necessarily say the supernatural doesn’t exist, but it does say it doesn’t matter. If it can’t be tested empirically and scientifically it doesn’t matter. God’s word says something different. God says that both He and His Word are eternally and absolutely true and that we should be directed by the relationship with Him that comes about by faith, for God says without faith it is impossible to please Him (Hebrews 11:6.) If we hope to avoid limited and incorrect philosophies, knowledge, wisdom and faith must be factors in our quest. Knowledge is not anything we say it is. For instance, about the time President Lincoln was born our universities were departing from the faith upon which they were established. Methodological naturalism was replacing the hegemonic construct of the Christian worldview from which America’s universities were born. By the time Lincoln was assassinated, Harvard, Yale, Princeton and Oxford had all forsaken their Christian foundations. The propositional revelation of God’s truth recorded in sentence form was abandoned. Only that which was observable through the scientific method was acceptable. Without God’s eternal truth knowledge is corrupted as is wisdom and philosophy. Ps 111:10 says; “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow His instructions have good insight.” Knowing God’s will, therefore, is part of knowledge and is necessary for making proper ethical and moral choices. Once this departure was made the gates swung wide for humanistic and evolutionary teaching that are still rampant today. Human life was devalued and one’s existence is explained as devoid of any eternal purpose. Civility declines, society corrupts, and institutions like marriage and family are weakened when we say we cannot consider eternal concepts of right and wrong to guide us.

By the time Lincoln was assassinated some of those university professors probably thought He was a buffoon for he was a deeply religious man. If these judgments were being made in his day can we expect anything less in our day? As the proponents of evolution proliferate in education, politics and religion we who are in minority seem to increasingly stand out as weird. Appearing radical or weird is a fair price to pay for seeking truth. Yet to the godless philosophers, scientists and professors of our day God warns, “the fool has said in His heart there is no God” (Psalm 14:1; 53:1).

“If there were no God, there would be no atheists”. -G.K. Chesterton

Now granted, we are not responsible for all that life throws at us but we can, I believe, become easily habituated to living a fast paced, adrenaline filled life. Let’s begin with the effects of stress on our body. When severe or continued stress occurs the body mobilizes to handle the crisis in the brain first. The hypothalamus sends messages to the pituitary gland to release the adrenal hormones cortisol and adrenaline (epinephrine). As cortisol and adrenaline begin to circulate, other chemical messengers, dopamine and norepinephrine, are released in the sympathetic nervous system. This causes muscles to tense, heart rate, blood pressure and respitory rates to rise. Thus our body is gearing up to do battle or run (fight or flight). That’s the way God created us to survive stress. However, the increased demand for blood in the brain (to mobilize us for action) means the heart is working extra hard. The muscles and stomach also demand more blood than usual. The muscles are preparing to need more power to run or fight and the stomach is attempting to digest food to provide needed energy. This extra blood is pulled from less critical places like the hands and feet, thus some complain of cold hands under stress. Of course, this is ok for the short term. But when prolonged stress occurs and the fight or flight response is sustained researchers have found it can be dangerous because it also:
· Increases blood cholesterol
· Narrows the arteries to the heart
· Decreases the body’s ability to remove cholesterol
· Increases plaque deposits on the walls of arteries

The problem is that the increased adrenaline can also give us a heightened sense of well being, increased energy, and less need for sleep and excitement. It is a false sense of well-being. Thus we need to learn to switch off the production of adrenaline when it is not needed as well as be careful not to create situations where extra adrenaline is needed. In his book, “Adrenaline and Stress”, Dr. Archibald Hart states, “We’ve got to become less dependent on this emergency hormone for everyday living.” Anger, frustration, irritation, challenge, and excitement are all adrenaline triggers. In fact, these emotions depend on adrenaline to do their thing. Hence these emotions must be brought under conscious control. This control is what is known as “adrenaline management” and is our conscious effort to be healthy in mind and spirit, not just in our bodies. It means cutting off the stress that wastes adrenaline.

So if you like work, challenge, and excitement, you will have to train yourself to scale back the accelerated pace. We need to be creative in finding “rest times” throughout our day, even when at work. And, of course, our weekends and vacations are important times as well. If we don’t build in the down time it just won’t happen. Grab your planner and mark off down times for the rest of this year. Then at the beginning of next year mark off time in each month of the year.

Rest time is God’s prescription for man. God called it the Sabbath in the Old Testament while the New Testament moves it forward to Sunday. The point is we need one day to rest, worship, reflect, and relax. What are you doing next Sunday?

He that can take rest is greater than he that can take cities. -Benjamin Franklin

These tragedies seem epidemic in our society today. The Virginia Tech University was shooting dubbed a school massacre and the president of the university said he was at a loss for words to explain how such a slaughter could take place. I watched the press grill the university officials with questions regarding how this might have been prevented in terms of rules and precautions. But the news conference ended with more questions than answers. What was in the mind of this man? What could he have been thinking? The news conference ended the way it began-with the depravity of man. The press wanted assurances of how this could be prevented in the future. I contend the only way such a betrayal of your fellow man can be prevented is through a heart change.

Many will talk about guns in the weeks and months to come and they should. We have too many handguns today. I think we need to return to an earlier era when responsible hunters assumed responsibility to teach and train others in the sport of hunting and gun safety. We don’t need handguns for that. Today, handguns are treated more as status objects to attain than they are instruments of self-defense. They are adult toys more than instruments of sports. We need also to teach our children that you never even entertain the thought of pointing a gun at another human being unless you are burglarized or are in war. We need to teach our children human life is precious and we don’t have the right to be judge and jury. We need to teach them we never touch a gun when we are angry unless it is in times of war. We need to make sure that folks undergoing mental health treatment should not have access to guns. This young Virginia Tech shooter had been in counseling and had been prescribed antidepressants. I think I probably speak for many mental health professionals when I say we would all sleep better at night if we knew our clients didn’t have easy access to guns or gun purchases.

I would also like to say there has been devolution of emotional control in this generation. The generation of WWII knew first hand the destructiveness of firearms and they respected them. Additionally, this generation also lived “closer to the land” and used firearms for better purposes, that is, hunting game. The current generation does not have the emotional control or the emotional intelligence to resolve problems without violence because they have it displayed in video games and movies today. The stuff our society watches today is a far cry from John Wayne and Marshall Dillon shooting the bad guy. We are reaping what we have sown.

Having said all that I also want to say that, in the final analysis, what happened last Monday is not about guns any more than Christ’s crucifixion was about crosses. It is about the condition of our hearts. Ultimately our hearts affect the processes of the mind. The deepest thinkers will be talking about our spiritual condition as they discuss this issue. Our hearts are unregenerate and without value and direction. We have lost the influence of Christianity in American culture. Our decision to kick God out of our society was not a good one.
Matt 15:19 “For from the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, sexual immoralities, thefts, false testimonies, blasphemies.”-Holman Christian Standard Bible

Work gives us a sense of identity and self-esteem. One of the first observations I made as a young man was that people who can but won’t work are often depressed and insecure. They fall into the pit of self-pity and into the twilight zone of dysfunctional dependency. At the end of the day there is something fulfilling about knowing we made a contribution. Work is not about perpetuating ourselves as much as it is making a lasting contribution for those who come after us. For example, teachers know they have transmitted knowledge, medical professionals have saved lives, and the factory worker has contributed to making something useful for others.

Work is not everything in life but is a very important part of adult development. Vocational experts Super and Havingurst may have different names for their vocational stages of life but they both include words like growth, identification, and productivity. In short, if you live a life without work you miss growth, identity, and productivity.

Erik Erikson classified it well. Adult development (ages 30-65) is a matter of generativity versus stagnation. Stagnation is not a pretty picture. I sought for a way to find some nice descriptors for it; however, Erikson didn’t leave us flowery terms to describe it. In essence, stagnation is a descriptor of someone who won’t do anything. This person may set around and become an expert on telling other people who have given their lives to work how wrong they are in their beliefs and actions. They are the epitome of self-centeredness, cynicism and self-pity. Erikson called this a state of “rejectivity”. These folks do a lot of rejecting and in the end the individuals they reject the most are themselves. Perhaps the most encouraging word that can be expressed to those in developmental stagnation is that today can be different. As long as there is life and breath you can make the change. Generativity can begin today!

So remember as you leave for the next shift, work is a good thing!

“The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.”
–Robert Frost

In Frost’s poem, however, the setting is beautiful; it is autumn time of year and the leaves are beautifully colored. He’s walking along a road in the woods which comes to a fork. He is faced with a choice: “ which way do I go?” That pretty well sums up the identity issues that face us all, first in adolescence and then sometimes several more times in the life-span. It is not uncommon for people in today’s world to have several “careers” in their life. The important thing is to make a choice. Yes, sometimes we have a compelling desire to take both roads at once yet reality forces us to choose. Wouldn’t it have been interesting if in Frost’s poem he had gazed down both roads then in the paralysis of uncertainty turned around deciding to take neither one? Frost, in his wisdom, shows us that in spite of the difficulty in choosing, the reality of life mandates a choice.

Jesus also revealed the fallacy of neutrality as well as those trying to have it both ways. He said, “The one who is not with me is against me, and the one who does not gather with me scatters.” (Matthew 12:30) He also said, “And this is the condemnation, that light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than the light, because their deeds were evil.” (John 3:19) So there is no neutrality and there is no having it both ways.

Frost’s traveler is quite aware of the effects this choice will have upon his life. He realizes that he will be affected by the consequences of this choice for the rest of his life. Perhaps this realization brings about the paralyzing fear that causes some people to find themselves suffering lack of motivation.

Could it be the greatest consideration for all of us is the road not taken?. We might call this the “what if”consideration. What if I had done things differently? What if I had chosen the other road? How would my life be different today? That type of thinking comes not in the adolescent years of development but in mid life. Marcia said that identity formation was not only for the young but continued into old age. Who could argue with that? Sometimes identity is not so much about change throughout the life-span as it is just staying consistent and faithful. In the final analysis, we have no way of answering the “what if” question. We only know that our choice has made all the difference.

One thing is certain, we should make those choices which are firmly on the side of what is healthy for us. As a Christian, I’m convinced that the healthiest choices are those made which reflect not the lifestyle of the world but rather those of a set-apart servant of the Lord.

Joshua 24:15 says, “ And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”
“Life is tons of discipline.”-Robert Frost

Little Brat Theory-Well that’s the name I will give it for our writing today. Philosopher Tomas Hobbes believed that children were born with a sin nature and were inherently bad due to original sin. This idea says that because children are selfish and egocentric they need to be controlled as they develop. Sounds right to me!

Little Angel Theory-What would you call a philosophy stating that inside each child is innate purity and it is only society that makes them bad? Philosopher Jean-Jacques Rosseau believed that and said parents should not control these little angels. Folks, I had two children of my own and I have 5 grandchildren and one on the way so suffice it to say I’m not buying it!

Little Empty Baby Theory-Yes, you’ve probably heard of John Locke’s theory of the ‘Tabula Rasa’. This philosopher says our children are like blank slates when they are born. They are neither little brats nor little angels. They are neither good nor bad. Society, parents and environment will structure the child’s life. As a parent I wish I could find the eraser-I think I made a few boo-boos on my kids’ slate.

Darwin, G. Stanley Hall and Freud were other pioneers in the study of childhood development. We can see that philosophy and psychology have been trying to find out the mysteries of development for a long time.

So don’t feel like the lone ranger if you’re feeling stuck in life right now and you’re just not moving. From your perspective you may have survived the childhood development but feel like nobody warned you about the adult stages. You know you are getting older physically but you don’t feel like you are moving in terms of accomplishments and purpose.

I think it’s important to do two things when we are stuck. One is keep trying. Winston Churchill said, “Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty-never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense”. I agree with him. If something doesn’t work one way try it another and if it doesn’t work that way try it a third way and so on. Secondly, we would do well to look at ourselves holistically. We are not merely cognitive and physical creatures but we are also spiritual beings. Include God in your plan of action. Jesus promised that when we are in relationship with Him He would never leave us or forsake us. Prayer, the Bible, church attendance, and counsel from a healthy support group can bring renewed strength and new ideas. When we are stuck we often are tempted to turn to unhealthy lifestyles. Don’t do it. Do your best to stay healthy psychologically, physically, and spiritually. If you’re stalled try to get going again today! “There is no such thing as perpetual tranquility of mind while we live here; because life itself is but motion, and can never be without desire, nor without fear, no more than without sense.”-Thomas Hobbes

Visitation don’ts include:
· Don’t make your children responsible for making the visitation plans
· Don’t fight with the other parent during drop-off and pickup times
· Don’t make your children feel guilty about spending time with the other parent
· Don’t bad-mouth the other parent
· Don’t spoil or bribe your children for their loyalty or love
· Don’t feel you need to be your children’s buddy during visitation. Your children still need you to be a parent.
· Don’t make your children make statements about which home or parent they like best.
One of the best ways to support children after divorce is to make visitations go as smoothly as possible. Focusing on visitation dos is the first step to help them adjust. “Children are not casual guests in our home. They have been loaned to us temporarily for the purpose of loving them and instilling a foundation of values on which their future lives will be built”. James Dobson

Infants and children: This age group may display problems in sleeping, eating patterns or fussiness. If these problems continue for an extended period of time or worsen seek help from a professional childcare expert. If reactions in young school age children continue past six months or worsen, seek out school based or professional services for assistance.

Preteens: Peer difficulties, depression, anger, loneliness, learning problems or physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches often indicate complications in adjusting to divorce. If these symptoms continue for an extended period seek professional help.

Teens: Reactions in this age group may include depression, moodiness, poor school performance, acting out, alcohol or drug use, running away from home, sexual activity or chronic oppositional behavior. These can be serious problems that will indicate the need for outside help.

Adults: Recent studies indicate adults struggle with their parents divorce into the second and third decades of life. Studies also indicate adult children of divorced parents experience mental health problems more often than adult children of intact families. As adults, children of divorce are half as likely to be close to their parents relationally as children of intact families. Unresolved issues are indicators that adults might benefit from professional counseling. “Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.” ~Charles R. Swindoll, The Strong Family

One factor that appears to significantly affect children’s adjustment is the exposure to parental arguments. When parents fight in front of the kids, no matter what age, a child may think that he or she is to blame for the divorce. Adults usually know it’s more complicated than that but kids often think they are the cause of the conflict. When and if children hear their names brought up in the argument they often misinterpret this to mean they are at fault. It is important that adults argue out of the earshot of their children. It’s also important that adults tell their children the divorce is a result of the parent’s inability to resolve their problems. The divorce was not cause by the actions of the children.

The second factor to children’s post-divorce adjustment is hearing their parents say bad things about each other. A corollary to this is saying bad things about the other spouse to the children. “Badmouthing” the other spouse tends to make a child feel like he or she must take sides. This places the child under tremendous psychological stress that often results in anger and feelings of guilt. Placing the child in the middle and using them as a go between must be avoided for the same reasons, therefore, adults need to remember to address their issues with one another.

If children have questions about the other parent, the parent should avoid the opportunity to demonize their spouse. They should instead, encourage the child to ask the other parent themselves. For example, the question, “Why doesn’t dad call me or come to see me?” becomes an opportunity to keep lines of communication open between the parent and child.
“Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.” Richard L. Evans

Most adults say divorce is one of the worst experiences in their lives to date. Hopefully, most will agree that they want to protect their children as much as possible from the conflicts of this adult situation. To do so means to consider everything from your child’s perspective. Children need to know that their well-being is a top priority.

Basic strategies for helping reduce stress and assisting children through the transition of divorce are as follows:
· Listen and invite conversation
· Speak with patience, openness and kindness
· Help them put their feelings into words
· Let them know their feelings are valid
· Offer support by spending time with them
· Assure them of the continued love of both parents
It is of utmost importance to remind the child that the divorce is not their fault and they are not to blame for this decision.

Lastly, before you choose divorce, consider this question: Is divorce really the best solution to the problem for my children and me? “I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable.” G. K. Chesterton

Exodus 20:1-17 And God spake all these words, saying,
2 I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
4 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth:
5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;
6 And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
7 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
8 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
9 Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:
10 But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:
11 For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.
12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
13 Thou shalt not kill.
14 Thou shalt not commit adultery.
15 Thou shalt not steal.
16 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s. –KJV

It is seldom that we perceive childhood hardships accurately. This tends to result in imagined limitations and the constant harassment of a critical inner voice. Firestone, Firestone, and Gatlett point out in their book, “Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice”, that a contributing fact to this problem is children tend to have a stronger ability for memory trace (enduring memory) for negative events than for positive. For example, if in the day of a child’s life a child experiences 10 good things and one bad thing at a family outing the child will remember the negative event. These perceptions often contribute to an inaccurate perception of who we are. This makes it difficult to change because we tend to give in to the inner voices that are negative and critical and this, in turn, leads to self-defeating and self-limiting behaviors. Regardless of who you are and what your past circumstances are don’t give up on attempts at healthy change. A critical self-talk may bombard us with “I can’t” messages, yet in most cases some change is possible. Begin today to make healthy emotional, behavioral and spiritual change. You might be surprised at what you can do! “Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change. And when we are right, make us easy to live with.” Peter Marshall

Our initial goal for this new website is to post our comments at least one time per week. Additionally, our themes will change so as not to bore you to death on one topic. We hope these comments will be informative and pertinent to daily living.

To get us started, let’s talk about the importance of change. Change is what counseling is all about. Counseling is not the counselor changing the client rather it is about the counseling process being a facilitator to change. The degree to which counseling is successful is the degree to which the client works on the issues in between the sessions. In the final analysis there is only one person we can change and that is ourselves.

One thing we can all agree on, I’m sure, is that change is difficult. We as human beings are comfortable with that which is familiar to us. We, like the thermostat on the wall, seek to always return to a set point. Sometimes, however, circumstances call for a change-sometimes major, sometimes just a minor course adjustment. The important thing is that our changes are healthy for us and for those around us.

I leave you with a thought from a book I’m reading which highlights the contributions of the founding fathers of America. The book is Revolutionary Characters by Gordon Wood. In it he points out that of all the founding fathers Benjamin Franklin was the oldest. He was 70 years old in 1776 and had been a loyal British subject all his life. Change must have been challenging for him. Yet at 70 years old he CHANGED! Be encouraged today, it’s never to late to change!